the man in my apartment.

"what have i become," he said as his thumb found its way through the hole in his collared shirt.

[the apartment was awfully quiet and i wondered if i was really as alone as i felt].

my heart spilled out of my chest onto the floor.

i started to feel the weight of the roof and the clock began ticking like it used to

and i could almost see myself drowning in that sea of lost words and faces and hands that go places, simply because they have to, i guess.

my eyes burned with sorrow like salt

and that purple began to look like bruises

and as it all began to sink in i remembered you in that moment and how strange it all was:

i loved everything about you from your swollen eyes to those perfect hands that seem to move just a little too fast; and how in those nights all the pianos played swiftly within the constellations and i heard your voice say my name through it all;

i felt your lips on my fingertips and the sound of those nights just went on and on and on

i didn't want to wonder anymore

so i swayed

and i swung

and i sang

and above all else i hummed lies like a pretty tune, like honey on my lips

i could almost hear you say "i wont ever let you feel scared and when you're lost ill lead you home"

i was just so tangled up that all those goodnights and goodbyes did nothing but make me cry

i had given you everything i could but i see now that it was mostly fear

and we lost so much of our hearts and so much of ourselves_we knew we would, but we kept going anyway.

ill give you everything can this time and i will not barter or bargain any longer;

but don't make me look up;

i already know,

the sun will never again rise this way.