not myself.

i am on page 67 of a book (not a school book or the bible) that i started this afternoon. i can't fall asleep unless someone is with me. i suddenly want a tattoo. i am unable to cry. i spend ample amounts of time by myself. i downloaded new music on my own. i eat at panera by myself for 2.5 hours 3 days a week. i have not written anything down in weeks. i dance all the time & love it no matter where i am or what i am doing [including on stage]. i read the newspaper. i model & don't second guess myself. sometimes i just feel nothing [at all]. i question things that i have never questioned before in my life. i try new things without asking or thinking. i drink more than one beer. i'm exploring the idea that i have a type. i have not taken more than 15 pictures since november. i wear whatever i want. i have not taken down pictures from my wall & i have a rotten pumpkin in my room because they are all that i have left of you. i was in the same car as a drunk boy throwing up out the backseat window. when people ask me how i am doing i do my best to emphasize their life & avoid answering that question for myself. my finger nails are painted and my eyebrows are waxed. i cook and enjoy it. i wear the same thing more than once.

all of these things are not me. at least not the me i have known up to this point in my life. maybe i am changing or maybe its just a phase. maybe i enjoy some of these new things, but maybe i hope some of them are never part of my life again.

just please promise me you will wait it out while i am someone else.