me too.

i think i have been waiting till this year (i say year because i am hoping this is the end) was over so i could sit down and say all the things you want to hear, about how happy i am, how much i have grown and how much fun i have been having while accompanying it with great photos (you know, as proof).

and really, so many times i have considered doing this, but i haven't (& not for lack of things to say, believe me, i can always come up with something).

i think the reason i haven't is because i have been embarrassed.

embarrassed of being hurt, being broken, not feeling like the allie you may know and love.

i have been embarrassed for not being as strong as i thought i was.

i have been embarrassed to admit a lot of things, even to myself.

i have been embarrassed of what my life has become.

honestly, in large part because it is simply not what it used to be &

because i am simply not who i once was.

one year ago today i was studying for finals, anticipating the end of a semester, recovering from traveling to watch the noles in the ACC championship game, preparing for a bridal shower, and somehow trying to survive a relationship with an inevitable end.

currently today, i am studying for finals, anticipating the end of a semester, recovering from my dear seminoles not even making it to the ACC championship game, preparing for a bridal shower, and sometimes still coping with the inevitable end of said relationship.

when put like that it might not sound like i have moved very far or that much has changed, but honestly it's really hard for me to find any similarities outside of my name and location on the map. in the last year there have been moments that i was unsure if i was going to make it out alive, moments i questioned myself, my friendships, my career choice, and even the One who created me. moments i didn't have faith, confidence, or even a heart. there were times i cried for no reason at all, times i cried for every reason i could think of for myself and three friends, times i felt unloved, undeserving, unwanted, and unworthy. i'm pretty sure a there were a couple of days where i didn't even get out of bed. i failed a class for not attending. i was mean, inconsiderate, and mad. i raised my voice, lied, and at the same time pretended i had it all together. i was forgetful, lost, and felt more alone then i have ever felt in my life.

but then

one night i was sitting with my best friend, crying, and for the fist time attempting to confide in someone that i wasn't okay, that i didn't understand, that i was hurt, that i was lost, and that for all my talk of faith i literally felt like i had never known what that was. i remember saying that i just wanted there to be a reason for it all, i wanted it to make sense, and it just didn't.

her response was simply, me too.

around that same time i had the wonderful pleasure of meeting a beautiful girl who, has since, changed my life; she challenged me, made me branch out, made me say things out loud, and gave me the tough love we all need but hate and when i questioned her motives, she simply said, me too.

also around the same time i invited myself on a double date, intentionally making myself the fifth wheel, thats how much i love these two couples. we had a home cooked meal at one of their houses and after dinner the boys had to leave and go play flag football. in lieu of the cold myself and the two beautiful girls stayed behind in the warmth. we had planned on watching gilmore girls or something girly like that and somehow instead found ourselves in a conversation of honesty and tears, simply saying, me too.

the very next day i went to a four hour dinner with a complete stranger, ironically another beautiful girl, and she probably to this day doesn't know this, but i was just so unexpectedly blessed by our conversations. we somehow found the strength to be honest with one another and to simply say, me too.

and then

my grandmother became a human. just as a back story, i grew up with 3 incredibly strong women: my grandmother, my mother, and my older sister; they taught me a lot of things and greatly shaped the girl that i am today. i have watched each of them since i was born handle everything from mundane daily struggles to real difficult situations including death, divorce, and the life after with such dignity and strength. i think in some sense i grew up thinking that hurt wasn't real and if it was it wasn't anything that couldn't be prayed about or that the Good Lord couldn't handle. my grandmother especially, is the poster child of strong women (i mean that literally, i am pretty sure thats her on the "you can do it" posters). all of that to say, for the first time a couple weeks ago my grandmother, who has hit a bit of a rough patch, exposed her weakness to me. we were sitting on a swing and for the first time in my life and probably one of the first times in her life she admitted to me that she was hurt, that she was broken, that she is just like me, and that she wasn't strong enough. and it hit me that everything i had built up in my head was wrong. i suddenly realized being hurt is okay; its not embarrassing or sinful and most importantly that her strength was never by her own accord. as i held back tears i outpoured on her everything i had known to be true of her and how grateful i was for her honesty and for her struggle that started it all and simply said, me too.

& maybe these instances are completely random and maybe they are mundane and happen to everyone and maybe there is no correlation between them, maybe i was just emotional and tired of feeling how i felt. maybe i was searching for human connection. any number of responses is fine, but these conversations, these relationships, these girls, reminded me of what i had lost, what i had given into, who i had become and that, even in that state, that girl is worth not just fighting for, but dying for. that this is why He came. that this is why we call Him Savior.

they pointed me to Christ.

i struggled a lot this year with being still, i had a lot of questions, a lot of rebellion, a lot of skepticism, and a lot of hurt. being still with all of that is not an easy task. but in my disbelief, in my sadness, in my doubt, in my wondering and even in my running away, He was there. He never left me. i couldn't see it then and its sometimes even still vague looking back now, but i know without a doubt i was not alone. when i was unable to sit still he brought my closest friend, when i questioned her He brought three strangers who again pointed me back to him and even still took it a step further (i am obviously stubborn) and brought the person i looked up to most, the person who taught me to be so strong and showed me that i was too busy looking at her when all she ever wanted was for me to see Him.

i am still struggling and i am so far from having things together (really, i'll be lucky if i graduate) but i feel compelled to share, in the midst of my journey, you are not alone

and whatever you feel, however dark, however distant, however sad, however lost, i simply want to say, me too.

so while i am not the same girl i was and i will probably continue to grow into some other girl in the future, i will do my best to not be embarrassed, i will do my best to keep the faith, and to dwell in the community of Christ. and as i continue to move on with my life, wherever that may take me i want to be honest, because in honesty i have found freedom. and i will try to keep in mind the words of someone much wiser than myself:

"in reflecting on the stars and the universe it struck me that faith is not credulity, it is recognizing the limits of our own minds and trusting a credible wisdom far greater than our own."

vince strawbridge.